proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
