Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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