He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
sex in a hospital.. check
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
