When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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