Yo dont text me then not text me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
