Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
