I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
