I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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