naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
