I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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