Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
