In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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