hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
