you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
