every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
