I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
