think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
