tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
