i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
