so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
