Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
