I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
