hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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