evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
