I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
