Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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