The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
whose ass print is on the piano?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
