My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
