I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
