it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
