The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
