Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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