I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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