the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
