i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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