I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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