Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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