2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
