It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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