Apparently you make a good broom.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
