I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
