he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
