why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
