During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
