I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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