Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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