I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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