the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
