I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
