White coat. Heels.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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