Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
