He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
