I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
